Modeling after 50

This will be a fun page to do I hope. The sad truth is that I used to tell myself at 20 supposedly in my best youthful years I did not want to reach 50. The women at 50 when I was 20 usually had mustaches, beard hair, no maintenance curly top hair, polyester pants, mounds of cellulite or wrinkles and so on. While that sounds like a judgement, yes it was. I was judging myself all the time and secretly others because thats what we do when we do not love ourselves. A woman who is comfortably seated in herself, her power and her soul plus knows who she is --doesn't give a shit what others think. She knows she has to live with herself 24/7. I was far from that at 20.

I hated looking in the mirror. I would not do anything that would blow the hair away from my forehead --so I ran my bike into the backs of cars- twice at 12. I had a phobia about lines in my forehead. I would do no amusement rides with friends or my kids fearing the same issue. I had more phobias from the dysmorphia I saw in the mirror, from freckles to my birthing scars to tiny veins in my legs at 21. You don't get a second chance to enjoy what you look like in your youth. But I could not see it. I had been so corrupted by the images of perfect gorgeous bodies of porn women. And don't think at 9 years old you can just shake it off and develop a healthy self image, not when you grow up in a sexual world. I developed deep seated triggers about this, somehow.  For example if I was with a loved one and there was nudity on a screen I would get bat shit crazy. The first time it happened it scared me, my friend who didn't know there was any nudity and my newer boyfriend at the time. I had to bury them until I could figure out how to fix it. (karmic twin flame at 52 did if for me) He never understood it, and he never pushed my buttons on it. 

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