​​​​​​(The most recent chapters leading up to this 2016-2023) 

(this section will be moved to another section)

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Self awareness came through chaos and pain while peace came through creativity

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Prior to 2016 I was still running the old software in my subconscious as fear, lack, codependency and it kept me invisibly chained up.  My creativity however enabled me to keep going, to keep on trying for that break through--it was a lifeline. The break through I had hoped in perhaps a successful project instead came through the loss of my parents. A lifelong pattern of attracting the same thing I was trying to correct.  The pattern of self loathing and control perpetuating  "mistakes", hurting myself and those who cared about me. I gave up my old dreams and perhaps stewed in a life of missed opportunities in my fog. Never to be that fashion designer, model or published artist or photographer and feeling worthless all the more. What I could not see before my fall, was that there always was a Divine plan, I just couldn't see it or believe it.  My creativity provided sanctuary when I needed an addiction a mask or a small accomplishment--it was my go-to. I was fortunate for that in ways I only see now. I struggled at everything 24/7 except design and any form of art-- even though I could not provide a living for myself with it. Instead I spent all my time searching for validation as to why I existed if all there ever would be for me  was pain with occasional pops of happy. I couldn't appreciate then I was blessed to have that gift to keep me on earth.  I was cared for already and could not see I was given the freedom in ways to be a carefree child to create whatever I could (within a budget) for whatever reason I needed and didn't have to rely on that subsidizing my existence. I had a loving partner who didn't necessarily understand me or any of what I was going through but provided me with love, shelter, food, protection and freedom no matter how much I punished us, and was an awesome dad to both my children.

The dark night of soul triggers an identity crash

After 2016 through the loss of my parents came my identity crash (and a new beginning)  On top of typical parental grief I experienced the "the dark night of soul" process or ego death which is necessary to begin deprogramming the codependency, image triggers, negative self beliefs and "dialogs" running daily subconsciously in the background. This process erupted for me because their strong energetic cords were cut.  Everything I believed was wrong. I had been lied to, manipulated, given conditional love and taken on their generational patterns of fear and lack and traumas. This identity crisis even cause me to question spirituality and my faith in something beyond. I was angry and terrified to say the least. I had no idea who I was anymore except a failure as an artist because I could not provide for myself. That was ingrained in me that money and sex appeal were the most important assets to have (whether it be real or perceived). And the next stage would be to challenge every thought and belief I had surrounding that  programming physically, mentally and emotionally. But most of all spiritually. I had to search my dark, find the light and who I really was in order to let go to zero point in order to live now. That is a process I am still in the midst of now, but have made significant progress on. Oh, i will mention too that at the very same time I lost them, I met another soul contract person who initially helped me with dad's care (  a karmic contract with dad). He was to assist in my identity tear down by exposing my deepest fears and triggers, secrets and wounds tied to the exposure to porn at 9 and attitudes of sexual exploitation in general.  I saw the darkest sides of me in the form of such extreme self hatred that I wanted to die to keep it hidden. This embedded pain on self worth is the stuff people use addictions to quell. And depending on how the wounds were inflicted in childhood anyone trying to uncover these secrets might be met with severe "resistance" equal to the pain --lets just say.  

Insane creativity, bravery and new physical pain in the aftermath 

In 2017 and 2018 after my crash I had to figure out what parts of me needed stay or go. After months of shock at the way my parents left, ( the story of my father's care made me weak prior to his death- I lost my hair and near sanity and is a whole other chapter) the grief and now the void -- I actually got inspired creatively. But this time in a way I had never ever imagined. The friend who tore me down also gave me a reason to show him something too--like how to be your own hero. I began to see some light after months of extreme darkness. And I joined wrestling at 52 never liking it growing up. Wow what I missed out on in my life funk! When I cleared and cut the biggest negative cords, I freed up energy to expand and try new things! However what I was not prepared for was what would come out of pushing my body beyond what I thought possible.  I hired a personal trainer for wrestling to help me with strength and endurance he was also a pro football player so it was painful and intense. I bought a weight cage to use at home. Then I was accepted for a show called Radical Body Transformation in part due to my "story"-the goal is to transform your body publicly and people vote on who should win. Well, I was pushing all the boundaries with fear, and with my physical body. My body was not healed fully from thyroid and other issues yet. The body holds cell memories and more fears were erupting.  See my wrestling page. What became unbearable lung and chest pain that often pushed me out of the ring humiliated was a new diagnosis called Vocal Cord Dysfunction. It happens when extreme fear and anxiety surface and the only cure was to learn new breathing techniques and to clear those anxieties.  So in the ring most times I feared being stupid, (a little dyslexic) or old, or out of my element or unable to compete, being too big or slow--so many thoughts bubbled up and shut me down. The more anxiety that surfaced my vocal cords were forcibly cutting off my air and i would have to leave the ring to allow others to so the drills.  I was not fully confident until the months later which happened to be day my knee got pinned under Tyler and twisted --and I was out. That ended the show too. I wished I got into it in my 20's, as it played well with my new need to feel powerful physically and as well as a controlled aggression to  balance the repressed in m. My intention was to get back in after healed. But other creative itches were coming out as I limped around.  I knew I could not sit still though. While the knee healed I went back into creative mode and built a "bistro" under my back deck using the other parts of my body;  hips to balance wood on; hands still good, arms and one leg. Then I realized something else. Another area in need of rest and healing. I noticed I was still injuring myself due to the effects of my stimulant ADHD medication. When I first began taking it it was the best thing I ever did so I thought. I realized it had sped up my body to meet my hyper mind but  I could not shut down either of them to properly heal my body or my brain.  I chose then to get off my ADHD medication which was very addictive. I was having too many episodes of monthly withdrawal when the agency did not fill the script in a timely manner. And I would go into monthly withdrawals because of them. I felt out of control again. After that I chilled for a bit trying to recalibrate find stability. Another creative outlet was designing costumes and characters I as "parts of me" and attending Comicon as LazrEye with my revamped body. I did not mention that my body also became a creative outlet when I had some work done to be able to wear what I designed. After many years I was over 200 pounds and not healthy with food addictions.  In caring for my dad from 2015-16 the stress caused me to lose weight yes, but the wrong way and I lost my hair too. So I decided after I lost my old identity I'd go all in for a redesign. I wanted to fix the sag and the scars for my costumes, for wrestling and  just feeling reborn physically too. But most importantly I was learning real self care and addressing issues rather than eating through them. So again there was the physical pain I put my body through there two when I did 3 cosmetic surgeries in one day, 10 hours on the table. I felt like super woman for a minute. 

Round three of shock and awe: shadow work & the negatives

Then in 2019 to 2021, I went through yet another shocking process called "shadow work" which again crippled me for awhile. I wanted to get back to some of the things I was doing but the evolutionary process for the collective called for more inner work. Many of us "light workers or empaths" were going though this simultaneously to awaken ourselves fully to serve the rest of  humanity having walked the inner horrors first. To do that it was necessary for those ahead of us to pass around certain videos of what evils were hidden in plain sight. I was introduced to a friend who became my teacher in this dark but necessary next chapter, Ingrid. And looking back I cannot imagine going though it alone. It took me most of my life to get to this point of clearing doing this alone I might be dead before I got it. And  I was truly shattered for a solid year and a half before I felt the sun in my soul again. I didn't know what shadow work was.  But it was a necessary awakening to see a bigger reality to move forward.. Suddenly my silly little costumes or projects or even being able to return to wrestling seemed so fickle. My "story" of sexual abuse, suffering and codependency became null and void almost in an instant.  he worst things you can't even imagine happening -are. The only way to help humanity stop its rage and division would be to see my own deeds in past lives and clear them. So looking beyond this lifetime and the people in it and acknowledging for what purpose we all had to play roles of torture and inhumanity toward one another. And this is where I begin this website. All of these events and experiences have led me to here. To continue to heal through now one final step or leap into what is next. The simple (not so simple) act of being accounted for in this life. To be a voice heard in the sea of voices whereas before 2016 I remained invisible and unheard. This web page is the "next" purging of any remaining shadow and strength needed to add myself to the Divine collective of all of you. 

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There is much more to follow....its 2023 I wrote the above in 2021 Im kinda overwhelmed 

If you are alive now  you are a strong being and chosen to be here.